GIRLFRIEND/BOYFRIEND APPLICATION
A dating tool for singles
The purpose of this questionnaire is primarily to find out as much information about a prospective friend, date, or mate
as possible in order to avoid craziness, turmoil, drama, and mistakes so large you can drive a MACK truck through
them. Secondly, our intention is to facilitate romance so that the path to friendship and love is smooth. This means you
learn as much as you can in an attempt to avoid unpleasant surprises. And thirdly, we want to give you lots to think
about as you embark - yet again - on a relationship you are sure is going to succeed. We have done all the work
figuring out the most important pieces of information you need to know about your potential sweetie, so you don’t have
to think about anything. After all, it’s hard to teach an old dog new tricks. This questionnaire is to be used as a
conversation starter - answers, where appropriate, are to be discussed and defended.
JUST THE FACTS:
NAME: _____________________ NICKNAME: ________________ ALIASES: _____________
ADDRESS/CITY/STATE:
________________________________________________________________________________
SOCIAL SECURITY NO: ________________________________________________________
PHONE: ________________________________ CELL: _______________________________
EMAIL ADDRESS: ________________________ WEBSITE: ___________________________
How long have you lived at the above address?
Is this a house, a condo, an apartment, a trailer, a futon at a friend’s, a ’67 Chevy, a bridge embankment? If not, are you
in a residential treatment program or half-way house? Psychiatric facility? Not sure?
Do you rent, own, mooch off a friend, or live with mommy? Do you have roommates?
GENERAL QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU
Are you male, female, in transition, or undecided? Feel free to put this off till later.
What are your age, height, and weight? Your BMI? Your future diet plan?
What is your racial designation? Do you take advantage of it?
Describe your body build: Need two airline tickets, heavy, average, slight, need to be weighted down in a strong wind?
Do you have all of your original parts? If not, what has been replaced or amplified? Reduced? Removed? Do you
have a plastic surgeon on speed dial? What future plans do you have for technology?
Regarding your eyes, what color are they? Do you wear glasses? Seeing-eye dog?
What color is your hair? Oops - do you have any? Do you dye your hair? Toupee?
Do you still have all of your teeth? Do they live in a glass by the bed? How many then? What color?
Are you missing any limbs or digits? Anything too embarrassing to mention?
GETTING TO KNOW YOU
Do you play well with others? Are you picked last?
Assuming you read, what is your favorite reading material? The race form? See Spot Run? A.A.s Big Book?
Do you socialize, dance, belong to clubs? Seriously.
What are your favorite activities? Careful, this is a family column.
Do you smoke or use drugs recreationally? Seriously? Have you made it a second career?
Do you have a personality? If so, describe. If not, we’re done.
What are your best qualities? Chameleon-like ability to disappear and get out of everything doesn’t count.
Any special talents that aren’t painfully obvious?
YOUR EDUCATION
What is your education level?
What is your I.Q.? Are you super smart or do you need help finding your way out of a paper bag?
Are you open-minded? So open-minded your brain falls out?
Do you believe in angels? UFOs, aliens and ESP? Conspiracy theories and astrology? Ghosts? That good things
come to those who wait and other myths? Do you need a keeper? A trainer?
YOUR WORK HISTORY
Do you work? At what and where? How long? How hard?
Can you afford a romantic partner? Will someone be able to afford you?
Are you going to be promoted and given a raise? Kept at the dead end where you currently are for about ever? Blamed
for everything? Fired at any minute?
ABOUT YOUR FAMILY
How many children do you have? Are you sure? Are all the returns in? DNA tests done?
Do you have grandchildren? Are they your life? Will you be raising them?
Do your children love you? Chomp at the bit for the inheritance? Wish you and their other parent had separated years
before? Do they have plans to put you in a home in a land far, far away?
What would your children, ex, or friends say about you?
Do your parents love you? Are they a little disappointed in you? Do they like your siblings better?
Are you still mad at the parents for, I don’t know, everything?
In a fight between mom and a new squeeze, who is likely to win?
MEDICAL, PHYSICAL, AND PSYCHOLOGICAL HISTORY
Are you taking any medication? Which and for what? Do you actually take it? Sell it?
Do you wear a medic alert bracelet? For what? Is it anything someone would have to study up on?
Do you have any physical restrictions or limitations? Do people laugh at you because of it?
Do you workout or have a physical fitness regimen? Should you? Is Richard Simmons trying to get hold of you?
YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
What qualities do you look for in a relationship and significant other?
Can we contact your last significant other? Did he/she go into therapy? Leave the country? Enter the witness
protection program?
How long ago was your last breakup? If less than five minutes, this conversation may be moot.
What are your relationship skills? Good aim is not what I’m looking for.
Was the divorce mostly your spouse’s fault? Do you say it was anyway?
LEGAL QUESTIONS
Are you a citizen? If not, do you have a passport, a green card, or deportation papers? A good pair of Nikes? Do you
regularly travel free with ICE?
Are you currently under any legal restrictions? Do you have interesting state-issued jewelry around any of your limbs?
Are there any restraining orders out on you? Is your picture on a wall somewhere?
Do you have any strikes? How many and for what? Are you on a first name basis with any parole officers? Do you
have a lawyer on speed dial?
Are you familiar with www.writeaprisoner.com?
YOUR FINANCES
Do you have difficulty spending money on others? Do the words, “Let me get that” have a hard time comin’ out of your
mouth?
Do you enjoy taking someone out and paying for everything? Is your mantra, “You wanted equality, now pay your own
way”?
Have you ever declared bankruptcy? Are you in debt? Is so, for what and how much?
Are you wealthy as all get out? Substantially well-fixed? Doing okay? Just getting by? Worried about the future?
Eyeing the cat-food?
Are your children going to have to come live with you? Are you going to have to go live with your children?
YOUR ACTIVITIES
What are your favorite sports to watch? What are your favorite sports to play? If one of them is slamming a spigot into
a pony keg in under 10 seconds, go no further.
Are you a couch potato? Is watching a two day marathon of The Three Stooges your idea of a grand old time? Is
watching “Real World” as real as it gets for you?
VOLUNTEER ACTIVITIES AND CHARITY
Do you volunteer or perform charity work? Do you ever think of anyone other than yourself?
AND FINALLY...
Please provide three references. All information is subject to police and credit check and will obviously be used
against you. Now go out there and find someone who’ll sit still for this questionnaire.
Please direct all comments to susan@susanswakeupcall.com.
MORE OF SUSAN'S WAKEUP CALL COLUMNS
BACK TO HOME
A dating tool for singles
The purpose of this questionnaire is primarily to find out as much information about a prospective friend, date, or mate
as possible in order to avoid craziness, turmoil, drama, and mistakes so large you can drive a MACK truck through
them. Secondly, our intention is to facilitate romance so that the path to friendship and love is smooth. This means you
learn as much as you can in an attempt to avoid unpleasant surprises. And thirdly, we want to give you lots to think
about as you embark - yet again - on a relationship you are sure is going to succeed. We have done all the work
figuring out the most important pieces of information you need to know about your potential sweetie, so you don’t have
to think about anything. After all, it’s hard to teach an old dog new tricks. This questionnaire is to be used as a
conversation starter - answers, where appropriate, are to be discussed and defended.
JUST THE FACTS:
NAME: _____________________ NICKNAME: ________________ ALIASES: _____________
ADDRESS/CITY/STATE:
________________________________________________________________________________
SOCIAL SECURITY NO: ________________________________________________________
PHONE: ________________________________ CELL: _______________________________
EMAIL ADDRESS: ________________________ WEBSITE: ___________________________
How long have you lived at the above address?
Is this a house, a condo, an apartment, a trailer, a futon at a friend’s, a ’67 Chevy, a bridge embankment? If not, are you
in a residential treatment program or half-way house? Psychiatric facility? Not sure?
Do you rent, own, mooch off a friend, or live with mommy? Do you have roommates?
GENERAL QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU
Are you male, female, in transition, or undecided? Feel free to put this off till later.
What are your age, height, and weight? Your BMI? Your future diet plan?
What is your racial designation? Do you take advantage of it?
Describe your body build: Need two airline tickets, heavy, average, slight, need to be weighted down in a strong wind?
Do you have all of your original parts? If not, what has been replaced or amplified? Reduced? Removed? Do you
have a plastic surgeon on speed dial? What future plans do you have for technology?
Regarding your eyes, what color are they? Do you wear glasses? Seeing-eye dog?
What color is your hair? Oops - do you have any? Do you dye your hair? Toupee?
Do you still have all of your teeth? Do they live in a glass by the bed? How many then? What color?
Are you missing any limbs or digits? Anything too embarrassing to mention?
GETTING TO KNOW YOU
Do you play well with others? Are you picked last?
Assuming you read, what is your favorite reading material? The race form? See Spot Run? A.A.s Big Book?
Do you socialize, dance, belong to clubs? Seriously.
What are your favorite activities? Careful, this is a family column.
Do you smoke or use drugs recreationally? Seriously? Have you made it a second career?
Do you have a personality? If so, describe. If not, we’re done.
What are your best qualities? Chameleon-like ability to disappear and get out of everything doesn’t count.
Any special talents that aren’t painfully obvious?
YOUR EDUCATION
What is your education level?
What is your I.Q.? Are you super smart or do you need help finding your way out of a paper bag?
Are you open-minded? So open-minded your brain falls out?
Do you believe in angels? UFOs, aliens and ESP? Conspiracy theories and astrology? Ghosts? That good things
come to those who wait and other myths? Do you need a keeper? A trainer?
YOUR WORK HISTORY
Do you work? At what and where? How long? How hard?
Can you afford a romantic partner? Will someone be able to afford you?
Are you going to be promoted and given a raise? Kept at the dead end where you currently are for about ever? Blamed
for everything? Fired at any minute?
ABOUT YOUR FAMILY
How many children do you have? Are you sure? Are all the returns in? DNA tests done?
Do you have grandchildren? Are they your life? Will you be raising them?
Do your children love you? Chomp at the bit for the inheritance? Wish you and their other parent had separated years
before? Do they have plans to put you in a home in a land far, far away?
What would your children, ex, or friends say about you?
Do your parents love you? Are they a little disappointed in you? Do they like your siblings better?
Are you still mad at the parents for, I don’t know, everything?
In a fight between mom and a new squeeze, who is likely to win?
MEDICAL, PHYSICAL, AND PSYCHOLOGICAL HISTORY
Are you taking any medication? Which and for what? Do you actually take it? Sell it?
Do you wear a medic alert bracelet? For what? Is it anything someone would have to study up on?
Do you have any physical restrictions or limitations? Do people laugh at you because of it?
Do you workout or have a physical fitness regimen? Should you? Is Richard Simmons trying to get hold of you?
YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
What qualities do you look for in a relationship and significant other?
Can we contact your last significant other? Did he/she go into therapy? Leave the country? Enter the witness
protection program?
How long ago was your last breakup? If less than five minutes, this conversation may be moot.
What are your relationship skills? Good aim is not what I’m looking for.
Was the divorce mostly your spouse’s fault? Do you say it was anyway?
LEGAL QUESTIONS
Are you a citizen? If not, do you have a passport, a green card, or deportation papers? A good pair of Nikes? Do you
regularly travel free with ICE?
Are you currently under any legal restrictions? Do you have interesting state-issued jewelry around any of your limbs?
Are there any restraining orders out on you? Is your picture on a wall somewhere?
Do you have any strikes? How many and for what? Are you on a first name basis with any parole officers? Do you
have a lawyer on speed dial?
Are you familiar with www.writeaprisoner.com?
YOUR FINANCES
Do you have difficulty spending money on others? Do the words, “Let me get that” have a hard time comin’ out of your
mouth?
Do you enjoy taking someone out and paying for everything? Is your mantra, “You wanted equality, now pay your own
way”?
Have you ever declared bankruptcy? Are you in debt? Is so, for what and how much?
Are you wealthy as all get out? Substantially well-fixed? Doing okay? Just getting by? Worried about the future?
Eyeing the cat-food?
Are your children going to have to come live with you? Are you going to have to go live with your children?
YOUR ACTIVITIES
What are your favorite sports to watch? What are your favorite sports to play? If one of them is slamming a spigot into
a pony keg in under 10 seconds, go no further.
Are you a couch potato? Is watching a two day marathon of The Three Stooges your idea of a grand old time? Is
watching “Real World” as real as it gets for you?
VOLUNTEER ACTIVITIES AND CHARITY
Do you volunteer or perform charity work? Do you ever think of anyone other than yourself?
AND FINALLY...
Please provide three references. All information is subject to police and credit check and will obviously be used
against you. Now go out there and find someone who’ll sit still for this questionnaire.
Please direct all comments to susan@susanswakeupcall.com.
MORE OF SUSAN'S WAKEUP CALL COLUMNS
BACK TO HOME
The Society of Single Professionals
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