WHY DIDN'T HE CALL?
Of all of the annoyances plaguing women in the singles’ universe, the one that gets the most press, the one that
seems to bother more women than any other, and certainly the one that the fewest people seem to understand is
the “WHY DIDN’T HE CALL?” perplexity. (I use caps because usually we gals scream this from open windows in
high rises as if exhorting the gods to answer.) Men have a variation of this which I will address in a future
column; however, suffice it to say, not getting a call from a woman doesn’t seem to up the angst factor for them
like it does for many women.
How many times have you, a woman, given your phone number to a guy at his request, only to never hear from
him again? This conundrum often brings up unrelenting bouts of insecurity and self-doubt, confusion, and
frustration, as well as myriad resolutions on the part of the offended female the likes of which are, “I will never
again give anyone my phone number for as long as I live, so help me
G-d!” A little dramatic, yes, but totally plausible - been there, done that.
I’m wondering if some of you are thinking, “Okay, but where’s the tragedy? What’s the big deal?” After all, it isn’t
like you, the woman, actually went out on a date (or slept with him) and he didn’t call. (This, also, happens all too
frequently, and is fodder for another rant). Isn’t this just a typical day in the singles neighborhood - men asking
women for their phone numbers and then not calling? Aren’t we all used to this kind of treatment, dismissive
though it may be? Isn’t it all just part of the game?
While some of you may be thinking this is one heck of an overreaction, to others it is just one more thing that
many women have to put up with in a world where the inventory is shrinking. In many cases, it has to do with
unrealized expectations and profound disappointment. The woman may have really liked the guy, perhaps he
didn’t realize how much, and she was looking forward to seeing him again. Perhaps she was thinking that
maybe something would come of this. Then again, it may be that it isn’t so much that she wanted to go out with
him; he clearly didn’t want to go out with her, even though he gave her the impression that he did. What a blow!
And, what made him change his mind? Why didn’t he follow through?
So the infernal question remains: why would (some) men, who often go to the trouble of spending an entire
evening with a woman, dance with her, charm hr every step of the way, make reference to future meetings by
using the pronoun “we”), walk her to her car, ask for her phone number, and not call? We women have been
asking ourselves this question, or a variation thereof, since we were old enough to have butterflies in our
stomachs over a member of the opposite sex. It is profoundly puzzling to us.
Okay, so I have an opinion on this matter - you expected less? First, I must say that most of the reasons we give
each other and ourselves for this lack of good manners are pure fantasy. We women often go through the
“maybe he lost my number” fantasy. Right, like a guy ever lost a phone number he didn’t want to lose. (Don’t
quibble with me; I’m trying to make a point. I can hear some of you objecting greatly to my generalization, telling
tales of some guy you know who lost a woman’s phone number, telling yourselves that it could happen and you
never know - certainly clichés I want to live by. Stop that now. As if the one guy this happened to negates the
gazillion men who didn’t lose the number, and still didn’t call.) Men, how often have you lost a phone number of
someone you were hot for? I’m waiting. And, anyway, how do you use that excuse when her number went right
into your cell phone? Or, she says, “He’s really busy right now”. Right, like a guy who’s hot for you can’t find two
minutes to call you and chat, or arrange a meeting. After all, if he was so busy, how did he find the time to be
where he was when you met him? Maybe he changed his mind? Well, duh! (Fit YOUR rationalization,
justification, and/or excuse here, and get it out of your system).
Or, just maybe, there really is another reason why this scenario plays out over and over. Are you ready, as the
song says? I think that the reason most men ask for a woman’s phone number with absolutely no intention of
calling (and I believe they know they have no intention at the time they ask) is because most men simply don’t
know how to say, “Goodnight, I had a great evening, and I hope to run into you somewhere, sometime”. (Exit,
stage left).
There is no denying that fun was had for the evening - but this is not enough. There is no question that there was
chemistry - but this is not enough. There’s no denying the two enjoyed each other’s company - but this, too, is
not enough. The guy was absolutely not in the market for a date or a girlfriend. He had no intention of following
through; he just didn’t know how to say good bye. He was out for the evening looking for a little divertissement,
and you, the woman asking the eternal question, colloquially, fell into his lap. She’s thinking, “We had so much
fun, it’s only natural for him also to want another round of the same”. Not necessarily; obviously the one evening
was sufficient. I think men often feel an obligation, especially if they have occupied a woman’s time for an entire
evening, to give her something. So they give her the false hope of a future tryst. If confronted, they can pretend
that they intended to call, but got busy, lost the number, got back with the ex-wife, went to war, fell down-went
boom. But, and I believe this to be true, he knew he wasn’t going to call when he was asking for the number. He
just didn’t know how to say goodnight.
I’m interested in your comments. Email me at sdplatt2@astound.net.
Copyright 2009 by Susan D. Platt. This article is not to be reproduced without the express permission of the author.
September 3, 2008
Of all of the annoyances plaguing women in the singles’ universe, the one that gets the most press, the one that
seems to bother more women than any other, and certainly the one that the fewest people seem to understand is
the “WHY DIDN’T HE CALL?” perplexity. (I use caps because usually we gals scream this from open windows in
high rises as if exhorting the gods to answer.) Men have a variation of this which I will address in a future
column; however, suffice it to say, not getting a call from a woman doesn’t seem to up the angst factor for them
like it does for many women.
How many times have you, a woman, given your phone number to a guy at his request, only to never hear from
him again? This conundrum often brings up unrelenting bouts of insecurity and self-doubt, confusion, and
frustration, as well as myriad resolutions on the part of the offended female the likes of which are, “I will never
again give anyone my phone number for as long as I live, so help me
G-d!” A little dramatic, yes, but totally plausible - been there, done that.
I’m wondering if some of you are thinking, “Okay, but where’s the tragedy? What’s the big deal?” After all, it isn’t
like you, the woman, actually went out on a date (or slept with him) and he didn’t call. (This, also, happens all too
frequently, and is fodder for another rant). Isn’t this just a typical day in the singles neighborhood - men asking
women for their phone numbers and then not calling? Aren’t we all used to this kind of treatment, dismissive
though it may be? Isn’t it all just part of the game?
While some of you may be thinking this is one heck of an overreaction, to others it is just one more thing that
many women have to put up with in a world where the inventory is shrinking. In many cases, it has to do with
unrealized expectations and profound disappointment. The woman may have really liked the guy, perhaps he
didn’t realize how much, and she was looking forward to seeing him again. Perhaps she was thinking that
maybe something would come of this. Then again, it may be that it isn’t so much that she wanted to go out with
him; he clearly didn’t want to go out with her, even though he gave her the impression that he did. What a blow!
And, what made him change his mind? Why didn’t he follow through?
So the infernal question remains: why would (some) men, who often go to the trouble of spending an entire
evening with a woman, dance with her, charm hr every step of the way, make reference to future meetings by
using the pronoun “we”), walk her to her car, ask for her phone number, and not call? We women have been
asking ourselves this question, or a variation thereof, since we were old enough to have butterflies in our
stomachs over a member of the opposite sex. It is profoundly puzzling to us.
Okay, so I have an opinion on this matter - you expected less? First, I must say that most of the reasons we give
each other and ourselves for this lack of good manners are pure fantasy. We women often go through the
“maybe he lost my number” fantasy. Right, like a guy ever lost a phone number he didn’t want to lose. (Don’t
quibble with me; I’m trying to make a point. I can hear some of you objecting greatly to my generalization, telling
tales of some guy you know who lost a woman’s phone number, telling yourselves that it could happen and you
never know - certainly clichés I want to live by. Stop that now. As if the one guy this happened to negates the
gazillion men who didn’t lose the number, and still didn’t call.) Men, how often have you lost a phone number of
someone you were hot for? I’m waiting. And, anyway, how do you use that excuse when her number went right
into your cell phone? Or, she says, “He’s really busy right now”. Right, like a guy who’s hot for you can’t find two
minutes to call you and chat, or arrange a meeting. After all, if he was so busy, how did he find the time to be
where he was when you met him? Maybe he changed his mind? Well, duh! (Fit YOUR rationalization,
justification, and/or excuse here, and get it out of your system).
Or, just maybe, there really is another reason why this scenario plays out over and over. Are you ready, as the
song says? I think that the reason most men ask for a woman’s phone number with absolutely no intention of
calling (and I believe they know they have no intention at the time they ask) is because most men simply don’t
know how to say, “Goodnight, I had a great evening, and I hope to run into you somewhere, sometime”. (Exit,
stage left).
There is no denying that fun was had for the evening - but this is not enough. There is no question that there was
chemistry - but this is not enough. There’s no denying the two enjoyed each other’s company - but this, too, is
not enough. The guy was absolutely not in the market for a date or a girlfriend. He had no intention of following
through; he just didn’t know how to say good bye. He was out for the evening looking for a little divertissement,
and you, the woman asking the eternal question, colloquially, fell into his lap. She’s thinking, “We had so much
fun, it’s only natural for him also to want another round of the same”. Not necessarily; obviously the one evening
was sufficient. I think men often feel an obligation, especially if they have occupied a woman’s time for an entire
evening, to give her something. So they give her the false hope of a future tryst. If confronted, they can pretend
that they intended to call, but got busy, lost the number, got back with the ex-wife, went to war, fell down-went
boom. But, and I believe this to be true, he knew he wasn’t going to call when he was asking for the number. He
just didn’t know how to say goodnight.
I’m interested in your comments. Email me at sdplatt2@astound.net.
Copyright 2009 by Susan D. Platt. This article is not to be reproduced without the express permission of the author.
September 3, 2008
The Society of Single Professionals
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