“HE SAYS, SHE SAYS – NO SEX!”
Mutually enjoyable intimacy is a cornerstone of every relationship. If it works, it is one of life’s great pleasures. If it doesn’t, it can cause hurt, estrangement and even devastating break-ups. “Not feeling in the mood” can happen to anybody from time to time, but when either of the partners loses interest in sexuality over a long period, action is required before major relationship trouble occurs.
Women tend to jump to conclusions too quickly when their loved one withdraws from physical intimacy. “Why is he no longer attracted to me, does he have someone else, is it my looks, the fact that I put on weight, what am I doing wrong?” They take it personally without first considering that there could be something going on with their partner that has nothing to do with them at all. In many cases, as the problem continues, they lose their self-esteem, become depressed, angry and begin to get back at their partner rather than exploring the problem in a more constructive way. Often they feel so deeply wronged that they find solace in escape; they get lost in television, food, alcohol or other hurtful behaviors.
Men, in general, tend to withdraw and hurt more silently when faced with longtime sexual denial of their partner. Frustrated and largely apathetic, they feel at a loss when they cannot find a logical answer to the problem. They do consider that their woman has fallen out of love with them but then feel lost as how to handle such a situation. After weeks or months of mulling things over, they will eventually resort to action, good, bad or indifferent. Men seek solutions, that is their nature. Some become workaholics, others find solace by drifting into an affair or finding some other substitute to drown their sorrow.
It is a fact that a majority of people have a deep-seated reluctance to face hard issues head on. One of the things they hate most is confrontation. Yet facing the truth and having open communication doesn’t mean that a discussion, even about a sensitive subject like this, has to turn out hurtful or disagreeable. What’s required is that both partners agree on the ground rules. No attacks, no phrases such as “you always.” Remember, your goal is to solve a problem together that will help repair the relationship. This requires the willingness of both partners to talk through the issues in a caring, constructive way. Sometimes this is easier done with the help of a therapist who has the tools to understand what the underlying motives are that led to the problem in the first place.
What are the most frequent reasons why people go through sexual withdrawal:
- Medical issues or side effects: When loss of libido occurs, it is important to first rule out medical problems or side effects of specific medications your partner may use. Many drugs for high blood pressure, depression, or other conditions can strongly affect sexual drive. Often an alternative drug is available that may not have the same negative side effects.
- Hormonal changes in women: Loss of estrogen during pre-menopausal, menopausal and post-menopausal years often results in vaginal dryness and discomfort or pain during intimacy. Many women are shy to discuss this or involve their partner. Using an FDA-approved intimate moisturizer (see www.veryprivate.com) before and during intimacy can make the experience comfortable and even more enjoyable.
- Birth control side effects: Many women on the pill experience mild to severe loss of sexual desire, yet doctors often fail to mention this possibility or offer alternatives.
- Psychological stress: Stress related to money, work, children, or aging parents can overwhelm people and lead to sexual withdrawal. If one partner is affected, both partners suffer.
What are realistic solutions?
First and above all: engage in open communication. Yes, it is not easy to talk about such issues. It requires trust, courage and deep honesty between you to get to the root cause. If that seems too difficult, then consult a professional: a medical doctor, relationship counselor, or sexual therapist can help — often in just a few sessions.
Finally, knowing what makes you happy sexually is fundamental to mutual happiness and being able to share your thoughts about this very subject with your partner. Be explicit. Communicate exactly what you like and how you like it. How you like to be touched, kissed, cuddled. Talk about foreplay and penetration. If you don’t tell, how can you expect your partner to make you happy?
Giving pleasure is what intimacy is all about. Sex isn’t something people are experts at naturally. The ways of love can be learned, and there are plenty of books, tapes, or instructors to help you become an A-student. And the top expert on what feels good to you is — you.
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